I began scrapbooking almost exactly seven years ago. I had always loved to take pictures and had several slip-in albums full, all in chronological order (a nesting project just before Jot was born). Often Tim and I, as well as others, would pull an album off the shelf and flip through it, enjoying the fun and seeing the changes in ourselves and the kids. I always ordered doubles and shared the seconds with family and friends. Never did I attend play group without my camera. As an aside, 13 years later, I’ve still had fellow playgroup moms thank me for all those pictures of their little ones. Fun days indeed! Well, anyhow, I attended a Creative Memories party as a substitute for someone who couldn’t go. I honestly never had really been into scrapbooking or even remotely interested because my system was working fine. Occasionally I would wander the isles of AC Moore but just never grasped the need to spend more money to display the photos that I already was displaying happily. SO… anyhow, I went to the CM party.
Backing up a bit for reference, I was just a few months into my light bulb moment of diagnosis of PPD from Emma’s birth. That is another story for another time, but I mention it here only to point out that I was very into getting breaks from the kids and finding things that “I” enjoyed to relax and help me cope. I had begun volunteering at the school and at church two days a week (and developed my theory that the best antidepressant is serving others) while Emma spent some time at the daycare for staff there. I was beginning to discover that after dealing so intensely with Jot’s medical concerns and then having a very surprising and difficult emergency c-section with Emma, I was hyper focused on everything and had forgotten to feed my soul, so-to-speak. Getting some time to remember that I had valuable skills to offer in other settings was very therapeutic and I really became better at all the things I was doing. In some ways I guess I remembered myself, in a non-selfish way if that makes sense. It was a group effort though and not something I did alone at all. I was encouraged greatly to find things that were purposely not about my “mom” role, especially in regards to Jot and his therapists and doctors and issues that I’d been juggling for over three years at that point. Seeing him go off to pre-school left me with a LOT of free time and the first revelation of how much time and energy had been involved in his full time care. I was ready to find something more enjoyable to do with some of my time. I was primed for the invitation to the party.
When the opportunity arose to go to the Creative Memories party, I decided that I would continue with this trend of trying new and different things. I went, knowing no one nor nothing about what would happen there. As it turned out I really enjoyed meeting new people and it was quite fun to actually work with my hands in a sort of arts and crafts type of way. I knew I had some creative abilities at one point in my life, but discovered they had become dormant after not really using them too much. In short, I really had a good time. I liked the project I came home with and proudly showed it off to Tim. “This is something I enjoy”, I remember telling him. He was very encouraging (still is :) ).
Basically, I was excited and I was hooked. I figured that even if I was relatively happy with how I had been storing and displaying my pictures (which I was), this would be a fun, relaxing way to continue the process that I had already been doing. Carolyn, the consultant who presented the party, and I soon became good friends and I was at her house about once a week for quite awhile just cropping and talking and having a great time. I continued to take pictures in the same ways I had and I enjoyed displaying them on the big pages with a bit of color here and there. I thought it was fun to sit and talk while working with my hands to create a nice album to look through. Then things began to get out of control.
I discovered a couple of scrap booking message boards and began seeing new and different ways to scrapbook. I saw unbelievably beautiful layouts. I saw pages without any photos at all but just journaling about thoughts and feelings. I saw gorgeous photos and amazing paper art projects. I had to get in on this! I could do that, I thought. And I did. I got major “product envy” and started straying from just displaying my photos in a relaxing and interesting way. I made that jump from putting photos in albums, to creating little pieces of art. Fine for awhile for sure, and I did do well. I began submitting my layouts to magazines (another big deal among many in the scrapping community) and was even published a few times. What a thrill. I joined a design team to promote a company’s products to the scrapbooking world! But it didn’t end. Soon more products were hitting this booming market and at an ever increasing rate (and price). There was no end to the embellishments and the papers and the styles. It was totally out of control, and in my opinion still is today.
Recently, I woke up to this stray path I found myself on. No one was looking at pictures in my house anymore. Piles and piles of layouts were lying around being enjoyed by no one. I considered that if I ever scrapped all my pictures the number of albums would be insane at the rate I was going. Lumpy pages with one or two pictures on the page took up an enormous amount of space. Where would I put all these albums? Would anyone even read any of the in-depth journaling? Would anyone even see the pictures in the middle of all the “art”? I hesitated even taking pictures anymore because I knew it would add to the pile of pictures I already had that weren’t in albums nor were likely to make it in albums anytime soon. And goodness, just how much money had I invested in all this stuff that was taking up enormous amounts of space? I missed just looking at pictures.
Attempting to find some meaning in all this madness I found myself in, I took a class (actually several) about the whole organizational process for storing pictures and how to scrapbook in meaningful ways to capture memories for all eternity… blah blah blah. I really thought it would work for me too. It did for a bit. I began to see a higher meaning behind scrapbooking. I believed that telling the stories of my life was important and that I could do away with the accepted rules of the industry. It seemed OK for awhile. I still wasn’t enjoying the process much and I really wasn’t getting much done though. I was still spending too much money on the tools and the stuff. I still wan’t happy with this “new” meaning.
That is until I had my scrapbook epiphany. That epiphany is this… I NEVER scrapbooked for the memories, not in the sense that those memories went beyond the pictures themselves. I began scrapbooking ONLY for the pictures. Now, yes, just the pictures do have memories attached to them, but I truly just wanted to display my pictures in a way that they could be enjoyed. For me, it has always been about the pictures. I understand others have different reasons for scrapbooking. For some it is a way to keep a family history journal and recording generations and generations of memories and life stories. That is fine, but that isn’t what I wanted to do or ever wanted to do. I keep journals, and those serve a purpose in my life. But this thing with pictures was something all together different. I discovered that the way I display pictures (or want to display pictures) doesn’t line up with the capturing memories and making art projects and recording life stories. Essentially, I became quite disenchanted with the entire scrapbooking industry. I was overwhelmed to the point of frustration and I have never been more thankful. I also felt a considerable amount of guilt for not seeing all this sooner and essentially for being so gullible as to fall for the whole “thing” in the first place. How could I be so out of touch with who I am and what I enjoy?
Well, I am happy to say, that after several months of this thinking (if not a year or more), I am on the path back to my picture displaying roots! I took (and am taking) all my “un” chronological photos and put them back into chronological order. My orderly, linear, detailed, perfectionist, self is so much more at ease now. I literally am less stressed over such a simple thing. Putting pictures in an album was supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable, yet it had become anxiety ridden and incredibly frustrating. Having my pictures in chronological order brings a great sense of peace and stability to my life and in the words of one of those scrapbook celebrities… it makes me happy. A bit odd that something so weird can bring joy to my life, but I have always liked order and do find a sense of peace in it. Remember, I once said that the dryer running was one of the most calming sounds I know. I freely admit, I might be a bit abnormal in that. But, I am old enough to do what makes me happy regardless of the association with weirdness (and assuming it is within the boundaries of Godliness, which I think this is probably OK in that regard ;) ). Loads of products, always newer and always more, doesn’t make me happy. Spending time agonizing over the ins and outs of design and style doesn’t make me happy. Rubbing elbows with people that irritate me for the sake of artistic expression really doesn’t make me happy either. Life really is too short to wear uncomfortable shoes and the scrapbooking industry is way too uncomfortable for me lately.
So where does this leave me? One place it leaves me is with a LOT more room for living… physically and figuratively. I have sold nearly every scrapbook embelisment that I don’t LOVE. That alone has freed up large amounts physical space. I’ve created boxes of doubles for the kid’s albums and am finishing up putting all my pictures and existing layouts back into chronological order. Aaaahh that feels good! I will still do the occasional theme album and have some planned already. Primarily though my albums will be about a LOT less “stuff” and a lot more pictures. Insanely boring? Perhaps. But it makes me happy.
I liked the creative outlet of making elaborate pages, but I’ve rediscovered a former creative outlet. I’m back to sewing and enjoying the feel of the fabric and the true utilitarian uses for creating with fabric. I am finishing some projects from long ago and planning some new ones. My picture taking will always be a joy of mine and I will display my photos in my home and in albums. The pictures will be preserved safely and with a few notes to help me remember the times and the places. But the days of spending hours and fortunes for something that doesn’t bring me joy but in fact brings me guilt from the wasted (?) time and money is over.
What a freeing feeling I have from finally typing out these thoughts that I’ve been cementing in my mind these last several months, rambling though they may be :)
More on the move and life with the kids coming soon. By the way… any ideas for a change to the blog title? After all, I won’t be telling it on the mountain much longer!
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